Smashed pieces, unhealed wounds.,
Tuesday, March 10, 2009.
I've been very mean these past few days. And I've let all the guys in contact go and give up on me because of my unacceptable hostility. I'm sorry.. I just don't wanna play with people's feelings or give hope and this is the best way to let you know that I am seriously not interested in you. I've gotta open my heart, but I'm just too picky. Even my friends told me so. Well actually not too picky.. I seek character and personality. Age MATTERS too. I went out with this 30 year old guy and OMG I don't feel comfy one bit. I treated him like a brother but he mistook things and always pushed me too fast. Eh Hello, I'm not prepared to get married lah. And the rest of the guys are plain losers who need a medical check up on their big egos and thick skins. Well, maybe I'm just comparing and up till now, I could only find one who was better than the ex but it didn't turn out well. Maybe it's because I treat guys I don't like like shit, without giving them a chance. But actually not. I give all guys a chance, but then they always end up turning me off. REALLY. How shitty? Ignoring, criticising, rudeness, bluntness, basically everything evil u can find in the dict. I'm sorry. I just don't like you. And maybe that's the reason why my rships fail. It's because I'm too nice and easy to those whom I love and too hard and ignorant to those I'm not interested in. I've been trying to search for guy friends but they always think I'm 'into' them just because I accepted their offer to go out, but noo.. I'm not high-end, seriously. Maybe you're just not funny, sweet, charming, easy-going, friendly, cute, lovable enough? Maybe you're just too short, old, young, mat-ish, foolish, serious, desperate?

Wait.. Is it them, or is it just ME?

I think I've gone crazy.. I've NEVER gone out to places and sat down under an unknown block alone before in this entire life.. I went to take my medical report, old places which had memories, watched vids and viewed pics under the block all alone. And for the first time, I experienced the pain of loneliness. I felt lost and my mind wasn't in the right place. I ended up being too emotional and thought too much of the past. I wanted so much to cry but I forced myself to be strong because I don't want passer-bys to look at me, but it didn't help one bit. It only turned worse. Tears just rolled down even after much control. Finally called Marni and accompanied her to Mustafa Centre. I was still lost and still am now. I've gotta stop this, because it is the end. I have to move on.. But how can one move on when one still love? Okay STOP IT EKIN.

Maybe I just miss you too much. And maybe it's because I'm still in love that's why I overlook flaws and mistakes.. But I thought that was the way it should be. People make mistakes and you give them continuous chances hoping that they will change, but they end up taking advantage of everything and you're the one losing. ;'(

Can someone shine on me some light and take me out of this endless misery please? But don't turn me off okay? Promise? Good.

Bye.